My Silver Lining
Having this disease for so long I’ve noticed that I’ve grown accustomed to this “normal”. Being told “you have it good, at least it’s not cancer” and that pains me because I often feel like my struggle doesn’t matter. I then question my attitude towards this disease, whether I’m capable, whether I’m just ungrateful.
But in all honestly, this disease is hard. Not once in awhile… But. Every. Single. Day. Nowadays I just feel like I’m on autopilot. I’m not one to sit in sorrow. I know there’s many who have it far worse. I’m blessed to be typing this and sharing my story with the world. But for not one moment will I forget the horror I have witnessed. The nightmares I’ve experienced that were actually real. I’ve been in lows so deep that if you would have pinched me, I wouldn’t have felt it. Highs were I was in DKA and my body was depleted and fighting to gain energy.
Every experience, every nightmare, every close call has taught me a lot about myself. I’ve grown stronger than I could have ever imagined. I enjoy the simple things in life. I appreciate the devices and insulin that keeps me alive. I thank god every morning I wake up, and get the opportunity to kiss my children. Some may think that seems awfully dramatic. “It’s a manageable disease…” Yes, it’s manageable but any minor slip up and it can be catastrophic. I walk a fine line everyday. I respect diabetes. I hate it, but I’ve learned to take control over it and not let it control me. And to never take life for granted.
At this point in my life, I know I could go on and live happy and manage this disease as best as I can, and not really speak about it. But I’m tired. And I know others are tired too. When you put years of sleepless nights, no days off, the rollercoaster ride all rolled into one, it takes a toll. I can put my happy face on and pretend everything’s okay, but there’s going to be days when things aren’t exactly okay, and that fight will never end until there’s a cure.
Some days it does feel like it’s all too much. Like I’m a hamster on a wheel. Wondering where the finish line is. So that I can finally let all my worries escape me. I’ll admit the internal scars of this disease has shaped me. I don’t know who I would be if I didn’t have diabetes. Sometimes I think I even feed off of it. It keeps me grounded. It’s given me the utmost compassion and empathy for others. I’ve endured the worst but I’ve also experienced the absolute best in this life.. and even more so to come. And with this journey, while immensely chaotic, is my silver lining.
“We are the silver lining in any and every dark cloud we could ever find. There is no need to go looking for the light when you bring it with you.” —Tyler Knott Gregson