Tag: depression

We Are Not Letting Diabetes Win Anymore

We Are Not Letting Diabetes Win Anymore

We Are Not Letting Diabetes Win Anymore

By: Jodi Otis

10 years ago our lives were forever changed when my then 6-year-old son, Bailey, was diagnosed as a Type 1 Diabetic. I will never forget the day his beautiful brown eyes looked at me as he uttered the words….”Mom, am I going to die?

I swear my heart stopped for that moment in time. I saw his life flash before me in just a matter of seconds. The tears softly rolled down my cheeks as I promised him he was going to be OK, that no matter what, he was going to feel better soon.

Before we knew it we were off to Children’s Hospital where his blood sugar was almost 800 and he had large ketones but was not in DKA. We spent the night and as many T1D parents do—you admire them as they sleep. As I sat in the darkness and silence the tears fell like rain.

And I prayed—I prayed for him to find peace and the strength to handle this. He was six, 6. He should be worrying about if he was going to jump in mud puddles or ride his bike not what his blood sugar is. I knew we had a long road ahead of us.

The next two days we had training so we could take our child home with us and be experts in diabetes. I should have known he would have had the most amazing courage, he took the poker and meter from the nurse and tested his sugar all by himself. He really has no fear of anything!

4 years later, when he was just 10, his 14-year-old sister, Bree, wasn’t feeling well and he could see the telltale signs and he told her to take his meter and check her sugar and if my heart did not stop again….her blood sugar was almost 300.

I couldn’t help but feel anger—not towards her but for her. Anger that she will have to struggle for the rest of her life after seeing him go into DKA twice and be hospitalized. After seeing him have high blood sugars and low blood sugars and feel awful. After seeing him get sick with the slightest cold or virus sometimes. Seeing him have to adjust….EVERY…SINGLE… THING…HE…DOES….TO ….SURVIVE.

I knew she would have a hard time, she is such a picky eater and not a good sleeper, meaning she can sleep for 12 hours at a time, crazy teenagers! She went through a period of depression and I felt her slipping through my fingers and she used her diabetes as a weapon.

I was heartbroken and angry for so long, I felt like diabetes had won, it had taken over my family and my life. Until we decided that we are not just surviving anymore. We are not going to let diabetes win anymore. She had to find the courage to come out on the other side of depression, not an easy thing to do.

Bree has an amazing spirit. Her smile lights up the world. Bailey has the strength of a million men. His courage is far beyond words. Both Bree and Bailey have raced Motocross for several years. It is mentally and physically demanding. Diabetes could have robbed them from a sport they love but they never gave in or gave up. They are my heroes, they are my true warriors. We choose how we live each day, you, me, we choose. Not the disease.

Every day that we fight, we win.


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My Journey With Diabetes And The 5 Stages Of Grief

My Journey With Diabetes and The 5 Stages Of Grief

My Journey With Diabetes and The 5 Stages of Grief

Throughout my journey, I’ve experienced and endured the five stages of grief. The hardest part about this disease is the emotional aspect. If only I could have accepted the diagnosis from the get-go, adjusted to the life long changes, and lived happily ever after.

But unfortunately, that’s not how the journey unfolded.

Having to give myself insulin injections every day for the rest of my life seem painful, but that’s the least of my pain. Checking my blood sugar every day, all day, throughout the night, seems daunting, but that’s only the tip of the iceberg.

Denial

It’s almost been fourteen years since the day I was diagnosed. I was 12 years old at the time. Granted, I was old enough to grasp the idea that things were now different but I couldn’t process it to the full extent. I thought I would get home from the hospital and things would go back to normal. Or I could try to ignore it and it wouldn’t affect me.

I was in “denial”. Denial that I was different than my family and friends. Denial that I now had to use syringes to inject myself with insulin to or I would die. Denial that I wasn’t okay. Denial that anything bad could ever happen to me.

I felt invincible, and I could just skim through life untouched. I was only a child. I didn’t want this and I couldn’t accept something I didn’t understand.

Anger

My denial towards diabetes went on for a few years until I had severe life threatening run-ins with diabetes and I soon realized I couldn’t avoid it anymore. My emotions started pouring out. I felt sad, desperate, and angry.

I was angry with my family mostly. I inadvertently took in out on them in desperation for help. I was angry for not feeling understood. I was angry for feeling helpless. I was angry that I couldn’t change this. I was angry in the fact that I didn’t want to be angry at all.

I didn’t want to be bothered. I didn’t want to be asked about what my blood sugar was or what I was eating to fix it. Or if I took my insulin. I didn’t want diabetes.

Bargaining

I finally reached a point where I was desperate for answers. I was experiencing grief over the life that I envisioned I would have without diabetes. I see all my peers going to class, dances, and after school events without the fears and thoughts that I constantly carried around.

I hid my diabetes from others. I would go to the bathroom to eat a snack or give myself insulin injections. Nobody knew that I had diabetes. But after awhile I started fearing for my future for how I was taking care of myself. I was constantly being reminded of the inevitable truth.

I know that I wanted a family one day, with my limbs, eyes, heart, kidneys, and myself intact. Whether I wanted to face it or not, this is what I have to deal with. I felt cheated, as to why I had to carry this burden. I just couldn’t figure out how to get where I needed to be.

I was fearful of the highs, more so than the lows. I was using a life-saving yet deadly drug known as insulin, to try to save the long term effects but not thinking of the short term amplifications. I was bargaining by trying to find peace within this, but essentially just gambling with my life.

Depression

As time went on I realized that this fight, this disease just isn’t fair. Often feeling defeated, wherein areas I feel I was trying to improve, I thereby have a lack in others. I stopped caring. I stopped seeking attention.

I kept to myself for awhile and struggled with an eating disorder called diabulimia for a short amount of time. I battled with my weight and how I felt about myself. The depression also led to drinking to cope and thereby also having a seizure.

The depression I felt was so subtle, so easily overlooked. But the depression was there and it was real. I felt alone and that was the worst part.

Acceptance

One of the happiest and most pivotal moments in my life was when I was able to find the courage to let go of what I can’t change. I was finally able to reach acceptance with my disease in the five stages of grief.

Becoming a mother was what helped me see my life in a different perspective. That there is a reason that I’m here. I’ve been able to come out from the other side and see the beauty and strength in all that I do.

I was able to take my life back and love the person I’ve become.

To find purpose in my struggles and use what I was given for the good. To help others, to educate, to inspire, to empower, and show compassion. I believe the gift of life is to make others brighter.

I’m now able to embrace my journey, my success, my struggles, my weaknesses, my doubts, my fears, my hurt, my love, my essence and live on